We Regret to Inform You: Cold Plunging Does Nothing Except Make You Wet

Published: April 1, 2025

After years of hyping cold plunges, we’ve claimed they boost your mood, burn fat, and build resilience... but it’s time to come clean.

It’s all a sham. A slippery, soggy, chilly sham.

Here are the top 5 reasons to never, ever cold plunge again (unless you’re an arctic bird with nothing to lose):

 

1. It Makes You Wet. Every. Single. Time.
Who wants to be dripping cold water all over their nice bathroom floor? Not us. We want to stay dry and emotionally unavailable, thanks.

2. You Might Accidentally Feel Amazing
Sure, people say they feel calm, clear-headed, and radiant after a dip... but have you considered they might just be delirious from the cold? Untrustworthy.

3. You Will Start Telling Everyone
First it’s one dip. Then it’s a daily ritual. Then you're bringing it up at brunch, texting friends to "just try it once," and posting before/after selfies in a robe. It’s a slippery slope.

4. Your Skin Might Glow
Ugh. Who wants tighter pores and that rosy, refreshed look? Sounds like a lot of compliments you didn’t ask for.

5. It Turns You Into a Penguin
Okay, not literally. But the waddling to your towel, the flapping arms, the blank stare of someone who just conquered the cold... it’s uncanny.

 

Happy April Fools' from the Doodip crew!

Cold plunging does a lot more than just get you wet — and if you’re in on the joke, you’re already one of us.

See you in the tub, friends.

Stay chill. ❄️